The facts of my life

I understand that as a teenager becoming an adult requires some sort of reality. I know I have brainwashed myself into believing some things that will never really be a reality. This is why I must make the time to realize and understand my reality. I know I should've done this long ago, but I got scared. I never really wanted to face the world I was living. I was terrified that I would fail and that I would not be able to live up to my expection despite the lies I drowning myself. So here are my truths:

1)My biological father will never apologize for the wrongs he's done. I never really wanted to believe it. I wanted to be like the other kids with their dads. I wanted to fit in this world, and be normal and feel normal. All these girls that I know have their dads around. They have either been in contact with him and/or reconciled with him. I don't want a relationship with my biological father at this point in my life and/or any time later in my life. I think it would be an open trap for heartache, and I already experienced that I don't need to go through this again.

2) No one can replace my father but for my Heavenly Father Jesus. I have neglected to understand that. I've been looking and searching for so long that when I thought I had found him, I took full advantage of him. But now it's time to grow up. I can't rely on a friend. If I do I might as well rely on my husband to be my father. By the time I am married I should have a friend not a father. I now recognize the one who's always been there for me and it's time for me to acknowledge him.

3) My mother will never hurt me the way she was hurt. I need to trust because she's all I got. No one else on this earth will understand. I am not perfect, and neither is she but she is not my grandmother. Just because I don't trust my grandmother does not mean I can not trust my mother. They are two different people.

4) I am not in control of my destiny. There is someone greater who hears my cries and sees my passion and my ambition to succeed. Until I let him take complete control all I will ever do is wonder why my turn has not come.

5) Happiness is just an emotion. A lot of the times I get caught up with the whole happiness thing. A friend will say "what do you want?" and I'll answer "I want to be happy". But happiness comes and goes whether you got the dream or the nightmare. If everything is ok you'll be happy when things go wrong you get upset. Happiness is just an emotion. You can't eat it, smell it, nor touch it. I won't always be happy and that is the truth.

As to what I want that is a definite answer:
1) I want the dream. Basically the house, the car,the career, the husband, the kids and maybe some pets.
2)I don't want to be afraid of people. NOt everyone will hurt me. Someone will in fact love me despite all my flaws and will not see my flaws because he is so blinded by love.
3)Salvation. I serve one God, I have gone too far to turn back now. My soul belongs to Him.
4) I want to be proud of myself at the end of the day.

Now you know me.