Distraction vs Direction

I need a reason to live, besides the daily fantasies of the unwanted reality. I see what I fear and it bothers me daily. I try to forget it, but the reality is that what I desire overcomes me. I`m on a continuous, which deprives me of the fairy tale ending I want so bad. Maybe I just want it because it will somehow become me. I don`t want it to overcome me, so I try to forget it then it overcomes me, overwhelms me and I need to get away. I need to run away save myself and indulge in a world where I control everything. I control every situation, and know his every moment, step, talk and personality. Everything about him is under my control. What I desire he gives me. Everything I need better yet, everything I want he provides. I indulge myself the way I indulge in a chocolate bar like a bulimic on a diet. Then I throw up in shame behind closed up, trapped in the closet yet again. I forget about it, until the next purge. Distractions everywhere, and directions are scarce.