Finished with Confusion

It's crazy, because one day I think I know what I want and I pretty confident with where I am. I am satisfied with where things are at, but truly am not completely happy. I blame the mass media and my peers, mostly my family just because it's much easier to deal with. I see a fine man walking down the street, and I'm afraid to even admit to myself that he's sexually attractive. I can only do that in my head. Then again where I live it's not easy to find someone that is sexually attractive. The ones that I was once attracted to, I had to flee from. But I made up my mind that I will stop living in a lie. Lying to the point that I believe the lie confuses me. That's why I stay up thinking of the what will instead of the what is. I made up my mind a while that I did not want a certain person in my life, when truly I did. Earlier on, I wished that we could have been romantically involved, but it is no longer the case. I just wanted a relationship with that person. I wanted something more from that person but quickly realized that he did not want the same thing. The fact that I was being ignored everytime, kind of was the hint, and the fact that he had a girlfriend pretty much crushed my self-confidence. Ever since then I've been living in denial. I'm not going to lie anymore. I no longer can lie to myself. I'm more and more confused. It's just that I don't want to get hurt. I'm so busy, trying to live with myself, and becoming the woman I've always wanted to be, that I couldn't realize that the Ideal Woman and I are two different people. Right now, all I want is a friendship from this person, and that is the truth from the bottom of my heart. If the opportunity came up for us to become more than friends...? I don't know, I'd reject it. Because I know that deep down I'm not ready, but though I want it so bad, I can be focused.