Back to Basics

I've been transported to the days of old with my tech gear. With my boyfriend's laptop in not so good conditions I can't seem to get things. I guess a lot has changed since I last wrote in. I'm finally pursuing my dreams, I finally have a boyfriend and I finally since have a type of life however I seem to find myself in circumstance that adults shouldn't be in.
Before you get any ideas this isn't the introduction to ready to be made reality tv series though it should because of my need for money no one seems to be interested in me yet. But I'm on my way to living the life I've always wanted. The downfall is it's taking way too long.

It's Interesting What You See, ..

When you are tired and want to get things done, the things that need to be done are all of a sudden a challenge. Especially when you are working with people who do not have the same mentality as you. I hate(only at this point) working with lazy people, I am not claiming that I am working with lazy people I just hate working with lazy people. I hate working with people who do not want to get things done. But I hate men who can't take actions, and I hate what I become when begin to take actions. I don' t like hanging on to the responsibility of a man, but I hate letting go of it. Eventually I will, but it will take me a while. I haven't been sleeping properly lately, not eating properly either, therefore making my emotions a really freaky roller coaster sensation. I hate it so much I loathe. Maybe they are strong words, but it's the truth. I don't understand why I can't be like these women who have it all under control with no sleep. OF course, this scenario does not exist, which I can't be like them. I want to cry almost every time I am faced with a conflict that can't be resolved on the spot. Therefore I always have to retreat somewhere by myself. I am so glad I have my sister though, because she knows me better than any of my friends or so-called. I always say I don't have friends, let alone best friends, except for now I have a best friend, but that's because she considers me her best friend. I don't know if I consider her a best friend, but a good friend most definitely. I pray for God to send me my best friend. I need him, I really do. How long? I guess a little more time never did hurt anyone. I don't want to cry all the time because I don't want to cry all the time. But I don't want to be a female dog when I'm upset either, so I'd rather cry in my corner. I understand sometimes that I'm not always going to be the life of the party. And it doesn't matter how hard I try, most men (the one I want) still won't notice me. So what am I to do, but to live life?

Are you serious?

Chase the dream, live the dream, freak the dream. Chase the dream, live the dream, freak the dream. Chase the dream, live the dream, freak the dream. Chase the dream, live the dream, freak the dream. Chase the dream, live the dream, freak the dream. Chase the dream, live the dream, freak the dream. Chase the dream, live the dream, freak the dream. Chase the dream, live the dream, freak the dream. Chase the dream, live the dream, freak the dream. Chase the dream, live the dream, freak the dream. Chase the dream, live the dream, freak the dream. Chase the dream, live the dream, freak the dream. Chase the dream, live the dream, freak the dream. Chase the dream, live the dream, freak the dream. Chase the dream, live the dream, freak the dream. Chase the dream, live the dream, freak the dream. Chase the dream, live the dream, freak the dream. Chase the dream, live the dream, freak the dream.

I have to :)

What Is It?

What is it?
I can`t touch it with my hands,
If I could I`d conserve it
Put it in a box
Hide it in a vault
I can`t drink it
If I could I`d consume it
Or maybe I`d freeze it
Preserve it until I truly need it
It can not be wasted
I can`t wear it
If I could I`d wear it everyday
But then it would get dirty
So I`d have to put it away
Somewhere where I can look at it
Make sure that ìt`d be kept in a safe place

Oh how I wish you knew me
You complain and nag
We can`t talk or discuss
Everything you say must be correct
I miss work
I miss getting out
I can`t get out unless I`m somewhere else
I need to get out
You say that I don`t do the things you say I must do
But I do
You accuse with that authoritative stare
Refusing to accept the truth in my tone
Am I in the wrong?
Maybe I am,
I need to get out
How else will I find my way?

So tell me what makes you a man
IF you leave and return
Does it matter?
If you hurt and come back
Does it matter?
Am I to wait at your expense
Lose my life at your expense
Starve at your expense
Maybe...

Losing Touch

Most of the time this term is used to describe that you are not as fast as you should be and that's ok. Problem is we live in a society that puts a time on everything we do, because time is money. A kid should learn how to read in the first grade, a woman should be married in her twenties, a man should have it all by the time he reaches his forties, and you should die in your 80's etc. But what about the rest who are abnormal, which would constitute for the majority of us in this world. It is really just simply impossible to live up to these expectations. WE put out rules in which we should abide to just because it is socially acceptable. I can't grow up instantaneously just because someone else told me to. If I don't have the tools to survive in this new level of life I am most certainly doomed for failure. Of course, that is why sometimes God has to sit us still. That is why we are not all blessed the same. Different blessing come at different times, in different quantities to meet our needs and of course most times He does it out of grace and mercy. I just witnessed the engagement of two of my friends. I was so happy, but then I got sad, because I realized just then that they had truly grown up. They had become adults. You can't get more adult than living with someone and having to manage the rest of your lives as one. I realized that my advices would not really help her, because she was now involved in a contract that is completely. I don't want to feel helpless, but in actuality I guess I was never really much help. I can deal with basic relationship, because I have seen the atrocities of a damaging relationship, so most of my answers were basic. But for marriage, I have no experience in that. And that scares me the most I think. The truth is, I don't know if I'll have anything good to say in terms of good counsel, in other words, I don't know how useful I'll be in my friend's future, and that's scares me the most.

A short one

Does it really matter that I understand the reasons why I feel the way I do? Even though I know the thought process behind it, I can`t make myself not want it. I must have it, everytime I toss it aside, and try to forget it creeps up on me and emerges and beats me. So far I`ve been able to resist, but of course, all my life I`ve resisted, but now it`s getting harder. Well, then again it`s maybe a good thing that it`s harder for me to get I believe I want. It would mess me up. I know it wouldn`t be good for me, but I can`t help wanting it. I have to have it, because then I get upset, and feel like I`m still missing.

Distraction vs Direction

I need a reason to live, besides the daily fantasies of the unwanted reality. I see what I fear and it bothers me daily. I try to forget it, but the reality is that what I desire overcomes me. I`m on a continuous, which deprives me of the fairy tale ending I want so bad. Maybe I just want it because it will somehow become me. I don`t want it to overcome me, so I try to forget it then it overcomes me, overwhelms me and I need to get away. I need to run away save myself and indulge in a world where I control everything. I control every situation, and know his every moment, step, talk and personality. Everything about him is under my control. What I desire he gives me. Everything I need better yet, everything I want he provides. I indulge myself the way I indulge in a chocolate bar like a bulimic on a diet. Then I throw up in shame behind closed up, trapped in the closet yet again. I forget about it, until the next purge. Distractions everywhere, and directions are scarce.