Around the Clock I Stand

I am currently in a situation that causes me to doubt everyone I know. All because of the fact that I am afraid of people. I am sorry, I just don't trust people, especially men. I love men, though. I love hanging out with them, because they show no partiality the way women do. They think differently, and after being raised in a house full of women you need a different point of view. I hate the fact that I always end up being hurt, so instead of hurting later I cut all ties in order to stay at a neutral position. The problem is I am afraid to fall in love as a result of fearing to trust. I am afraid to be completely myself with anyone for that matter, because they all hurt me. Even my mother has hurt from time to time. I don't need and I don't deserve. But now there's another problem, I actually want to fall in love, get married, and have children. I know it sounds weird that in all of this emotional drama I actually want the fairy tale happily ever after ending for my life as well. I am so frustrated. I know what I need to do, but I don't want to do it. Because all of this could result in failure, and I did not prepare for life to fail. I understand that we must all fall in order to get up. But I have seen my mother way to many times for me to do the same mistakes that she did. It's strange how many seem to love too much and others not at all. That is probably why I don't have any friends, because they can all of sudden become your enemies. I don't like this. Plus, there are certain people in my life I am ready to cut. I know I should not considering the situation I am in and the position I play in my life, but I can't handle them. I don't like them. For me to continuously play this game of who's playin who, is getting ridiculous. I deal with spoiled brats with no sense of common sense when it comes to hard work, I can't deal with that. I really can't. I may sound like a nut but this is my life. The worst part is sometimes I wish I was a nobody again. And there are times when I feel like a nobody.