Learning to Grow up
I'd like to think of myself as a young lady, I don't act like one and Hollywood doesn't make it any better. Most of the time we do things by reflex. A conscious decision followed by what the unconscious mind wishes to do next. It might be self-discipline or maybe if you're unlike me a real conscious decision. Many times I heard the saying that walls have ears, and I will admit that I did end up liking a certain someone to get over another crush, knowing my mistakes I wish to no longer repeat them. It's wrong and useless because when you want out, it grips even stronger. I know I'm not lady-like if I didn't know I wouldn't call myself a raw diamond. Raw diamond simply means carbon that hasn't been cut into a diamond. And it doesn't matter how hard I try I can't seem to make things better for myself. I end up being the laughing matter of every joke. I can't seem to be real enough for others to take me seriously. So does that mean that the way I act work is the way I should act with my friends I don't know. I still don't think that my mother knows me enough to judge me, which is why I choose not to share my deepest secrets with her. I don't agree with her constant judging of how I am. Everything I do, brings a constant downfall, maybe I don't want a husband, maybe I'm not fit for one, not that I care right now, but at my age and seeing my behaviour, maybe it's not meant to be, and I can adjust to that. But I don't think she can, and her constant rebuke is what hurts the most. I'm not what I could be, but I know how I should be treated despite my insecurities. I do believe that I respect myself, and it is shown through how I act whether or not anybody notices, and if people don't notice don't bring me down and find a nicer to tell me. Show me don't just tell me. Just because you could get the finest of them all, to line up against you doesn't that I can. So that's what this is all about living up to the legacy that I have given up on. A legacy that I don't want to participate in, because failing is one of the rewards that awaits me. I could never live up to that kind of legacy knowing what I'm up against. In my mother's day, fine guys was all she saw and all she would get. I'm not my mother, and I'm not looking for the fine guy. It wouldn't work out, I am too insecure. So I act obnoxiously silly, expecting the worst, because I can handle the worst of the bunch to live with me, but I can't handle being left behind by the finest. So what exactly did I see in the guys that I have crushed on, nothing...but I now know that attempting to live up to the legacy is better than not trying at all. I have the potential all I need to do is convert it to kinetic. How I do it, is up to me.
posted by Dutchess at
4:02 AM
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